Balderdash.

thank you.

i don't know if many people know this, but i bet they do.

ive been single for 2 years and 7 months.

and i have been wondering why.

is it because I'm abrasive?

am i too dense?

are my standards too high?

is it because I'm fat?

is it because I'm ugly?

i'd probably say yes to all of those questions.

and it only goes to show how much i hate myself. and it's probably the root of all of this.

so i've decided that before i look for love from other people, why not love myself first?

if i can't love my self, how can i love other people? and be loved in return?

i think it's time to treat myself with respect, the respect i want from other people.

its time to love myself, the same way i want others to love me.

its time to treat myself with kindness. and understanding.

and with the risk of sounding like the Clear commercial...

i think its time.

i am a stupid piece of shit.

i just let the cutest guy i have ever seen and interacted with fly by just because of a fit of jealous rage.

he was just waiting for me to invite him to dinner. i didnt do anything. and because of what? i thought he had a date already, and just sulked and pouted and complained.

and now he is gone, flew back to his hometown in Bukidnon.

dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit....

i feel worse now.

im such a sorry s.o.b.

pathetic piece of sorry shit not worth talking to.

i hate myself.

Silver.

i've been  searching the depths of my brain for material to write on this blank space for quite a bit now, due to the insistence of some of my friends because they "actually" do enjoy reading my blog entries.

aw shucks, thats bull.

KIDDING! i was honestly surprised when these number of people ( who are actually in different circles of friends ( whoah, i have THAT many friends? interesting. )) and they told me in separate occasions that they miss my blogs.

i'm gonna die now due to a chronic case of liver enlargement. ( in case you didn't get this, we have an expression here in cebu where we say "dako ang atay" which figuratively means "ego stroking" but literally means "liver got big" or something like that. but then i explained it too much now that its not funny anymore and its really annoying to explain a joke at full length so im just gonna stop now or else all of you are just gonna skip this part and press the x button at your upper right hand corner of your browser to escape this boring part of the blog and move on with your lives. )

that was a mouthful.

anyway yeah, i really appreciated them people who actually told me they read my blogs and all the angst-laced emo-ridden alcohol-induced rants that i did in the middle of the night.

and also for all the lurkers ( IF there are any ), i still do love you guys! keep on reading!

so yeah, i was really looking for stuff to write here tonight but i don't know if you'd like the usual stuff. i mean my life is pretty much a standstill right now, no big changes happened ( unless if you count the weight gain. ugh, gotta lay off the siomai ) and no notable events worth mentioning here in the blogs have occurred.

unless if you count that time when ( i think it was a couple of months ago, more like march ) i met this guy. OMG, here we go again, another one. before you roll your eyes on this one, just hear me out, ok?

it happened really fast. i met him through some site, and we exchanged witty messages with each other. and then eventually we decided to meet at some coffeeshop. you know, just to talk.

i was really conscious at that time because i think i wore the wrong shirt, i looked really ugly with the color ( im kinda moreno, and the polo was *shock* SKY BLUE. ) and i looked really haggard because i think on that day i only slept for 4 hours i think ( i blame Neil Gaiman for this ).

but then he came ( he was actually a bit late ) and then we talked and he was really nice. and he was cute too ( BIG emphasis on C-U-T-E ). we got on pretty well, i thought. and we talked for 3 hours before we decided to go home because we were really hungry then. i would have treated him to dinner but i didn't have enough cash then. but i promised him that we will see a movie, and he said yes.

now, at this point, i was wondering. he is really nice, yeah? and we had a good connection with the conversation, yeah? and now he said yes to the movie. so maybe this guy... is showing positive vibes, yeah?

we decided to see the movie a week after we met, so in between those dates, i did call him almost every night on his cel, and we talked. still, i felt that it was going the way as planned.

then the movie date happened. then i started feeling the negative vibe. you know, if you really like the guy and then the guy likes you back ( please feel free to assign the appropriate sex to make the situation as comprehensible to you as possible ) and you are watching the movie and its dark. of course you'd like to maybe pretend that you're sleepy and then lean on his shoulders and then look at him and make pa-cute an then he'd get the picture and then blah blah. ( no popcorn box jokes, please )

but how could i do the "lean and pa-cute" tactic when he is leaning the other way?

the movie was as cold as the stale popcorn i stepped on. and i even forgot what we watched.

anyway, to make the long story short (because gawd knows how long it has been for me to tell you this ONE story. ) i took him from ayala to country mall to get a jeep and then i went home. and when i got home i made a big boo-boo.

i told him i liked him.

after that conversation he wouldn't text me, and won't answer my calls.

so yeah. i was really confused because at this point i was still too dense not to read between the lines. ( which someone ELSE had the liberty of telling me them exact same words, just a different setting concerning him and a Doce mishap, which i'll tell you guys later. )

he told me then later after 2 days that he got sick ( DAW *rolls eyes heavenward* ) and he is going back to his hometown for a vacation. so we wont see each other till he comes back.

*sigh* how could i be so dumb? i mean, i knew from the start right then in the coffeeshop that he was waaaaaaaay out of my league.

hey, at least we got to go to a movie, right? and we talked for a considerable long time, right...? and we are still friends... right?

but still, it stings. it hurts. for someone to run out on you just because he didn't have the courage to turn you down honestly.

so like, after a month i think, i called him again. he told me he was still in his hometown doing some seminars to help him get a job abroad.

so i said "ok, good luck with your seminars. hey, coffee ha when you get back?"

"yeah sure, no problem."

and then i put the phone down, feeling a bit easier and lighter. at least he still talks to me.

then a couple of weeks later i saw him in ayala, with a skinny fag on fake lacoste.

so much for "seminars" huh?

i don't know why i'm still affected. loose ends do that to me.

if you don't want me. tell me dammit.

so i guess some things never change huh? assholes will be forever assholes. and losers like me will always lose.

and he greeted me on my birthday. and some birthday that was. stressed, tired, and when i got to Doce everyone was drunk and i didn't get any.

i'm starting to hate this year.

so yeah, you might be wondering why the title is Silver? 'coz i just turned 25.

now i feel like a kitchen utensil.

She Said.

In the morning light, she felt a new day coming in
Open her eyes in her quiet, favourite place
There was no one there to break her heart
There was no one there to make her laugh

And she, she hid the secrets in a closet, in her room
Every time she felt sad, she doesn't know since when
Sometimes laughing, crying felt the same
Lying, being honest felt the same

But then, she said life’s getting better now
Just said life’s getting better now
Told herself 'coz there is always someone to love

She lied 'coz she loved, but no one ever knew
The person’s inside her heart, is always incomplete
In spite of all the things she had let go
For the first time, she liked being herself

it's 6am here.

its cold. well i guess its my own fault. being shirtless and all with the fan blowing stale air directly at me. with nothing but an old blanket covering my lower body, and my eyes tired with the glare of the computer screen radiating light on my tired body, i start typing.

its vacation time, we don't have classes for a full month. i guess its a welcome break with all the stress from school. but i would not call it "stress" though, because its nothing compared to what other people go through. working and all that shit.

nothing to do but sleep, wake up, doodle something on the pc, then go for a quick cup of coffee with friends, then go for another mmo session with my best friend, then go home. that has been my routine almost everyday. otherwise i just stay at home and sleep some more.

its simple. just routine. you dont meet other people much.

boring as hell, but yeah. inside my own little world.

and i do feel like, im back in my own little shell again.

it feels kind of comforting, here in my own little world. just me and my computer. just me and my friends with a cup of hot coffee. just me and my friends riding towards a pixelated sunset off to find treasures unkown.

and its nice here in my shell.

its very cozy. its filled with images of people that i know. people that i love. of people that love me back.

but somehow, it feels routine.

you do get that feeling when you have been outside your shell. been able to experience other things too. been able to get to know people from other spectrums.

but when faced with change and uncertainty, i panic.

i then come rushing home, to my quiet little world.

i fear the dawn. for it brings a new day.

i fear the change that comes with endings.

thats why i allow myself to be trapped in my shell. so i wont be hurt with change.

here in my own little world, nothing changes.

here in my own little world, no one grows old.

here in my own little world, everything is perfect.

here all alone in my own little world.

Geraldine Palma.

i shall take this moment to talk about something else.

i want to talk about Geraldine Palma.

she is a 7-year old child who was kidnapped recently. and to make matters worse, she was found dead, near the breakwater in Islang Puting Bato of Tondo, Manila. that was last August 16, 2007.

Geraldine, together with her nanny Maritess Ontog were supposedly on their way to a branch of Kumon Tutorial Center in Pasig City last August 11. the nanny still hasn't been found.

to think i saw this piece of troubling news after i had a rather bad day.

and she has nothing to do with me. she is not my relative. she is just another name in another headline. and yet, i was stricken with grief.

what has she done, to deserve this fate?

things like this happen to different people, everyday, everywhere in the world. and it is a very humbling reminder that no matter what we face everyday, no matter how bad, there is still something worse that happens to other people.

i mean, what is an hour's impatience with the bus compared to the death of a loved one?

what is being dumped by someone compared to this?

what is being declined of your visa compared to this?

everyday we walk our life's path with apathy, selfishness, and greed.

and everyday, other people suffer because of our apathy, selfishness and greed.

i feel sad. i feel sad for her family. i feel sad for all the people who have lost their loved ones to the evils of other people.

condolences to all the mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters. there are no words that will describe the pain.

i wish we all just stop and think for a moment. to feel the pain. their pain.

i wish that we will all learn from what happened.

i wish that justice will be served to those responsible.

i wish Geraldine Palma will be in a happier place.

i will pray for her. for all of you.

last song syndrome.

i must admit, Regina Spektor's voice is really haunting.

and the words "you are my sweetest downfall" is, for me, as powerful as Mariah belting mega-octaves of vocal prowess. without effort.

if you do not know what im talking about, the song's title is "Samson" by Regina Spektor.

and with the song's message and melody, i couldn't help but be melancholic and retrospective. in common english, i couldn't help but be... emo.

not to poke fun at those people, but i confess, i do have my "episodes".

when i listen to this song, i remember a friend of mine who keeps on falling for the wrong guy.

when i listen to this song, i remember my sister who is recovering from a rocky marriage.

when i listen to this song, i remember my own inadequacy in the matters of the heart.

we might have different interpretations for different songs, but what matters most is the fact that these songs have touched us. they have pulled at our heartstrings and invoked these feelings buried deep inside us.

so, what song made your heart sing today?

dammit. dammit dammit dammit.

im turning 24 today.

no job.

no lovelife.

and i look like a beached whale.

dammit.

my eyes hurt.

in am teetering on the brink of a splitting headache.

its 2007 already, havnt posted blogposts for weeks, been busy with "racket" and killing myself with books.

the year started fairly good for me, new year wasnt as boring as last year's, considering it was only me and my sis Vera (she has a very pretty name, doesnt she?) who celebrated the holidays (yes, christmas AND new years) here in our apartment.

although we were (and still ARE) quide sad about what happened to our sis in australia (that bastard... go figure) we couldnt do anything about it. all we could do is be here for our dear sister...

speaking about change...

from officially blonde im now officially bald.

had to shave off all the blonde goodness away because i had to have a passport.

to where i have no idea. i guess my sis just wants me to get one for more identification. or in case i die a gruesome death they'd still be able to identify me.

so now i wake up every morning fresh and cool! and since i have no hair, i have vowed off the use of hair products like shampoos, conditioners, leave-ons, and gels!

not only you wake up feeling fresh, you have just saved a lot of money! neat huh?

then this sinulog, i tried someting different. i had a henna tatoo on my scalp! it was a really fun experience~

after i had it done, people were obviously scared of me. i effin looked like a wrestler.

but then all that fun was short-lived. the henna faded earlier than usual, i think it was because my hair started growing...

i was seriously considering doing it on permanent but then i imagined the pain.

so no. no permanent tatoos for me.

call me scaredy-cat, i dont care. alhtough it would have been cool~

so anyway~

its the start of another year, full of beginnings and endings. last year was a blast, and im looking forward to a better boom!

my my my, that was pretty positive!

although there has been many changes, there are still things that remained the same.

me still fat.

me still single.

me still... well not quite... miserable... anymore.

me still hopeful.

^_^

happy year of the pig everyone!!!

damn. my eyes still hurt. i think i need to see a doctor now.

say hello to advil.

probably definitely.

im so sorry i havnt updated in a while~

ive been feeling lethargic and well, i was preoccupied with so many things that was happening around me, and now it feels like my life is one big RH hangover.

i dont really know where to start writing this post, but then i do want to write, coz it feels like a very long time.

and i heard from a certain someone that "he" reads my blogs often. and his fave post in my blog was the one with me complaining about Koreans.

which is ironic because he had a Korean girlfriend.

hehehehee~ you know who you are!

anyway. im here in a cafe, waiting for Ross to load up my RF account. ive been playing RF to unwind and to relax. well, if you think killing dwarves and mashing tin cans can relax you, then go ahead. im just playing RF coz the Cora girls are... (i know this is soooo hetero, so please forgive me.) SEXY.

now hold your horses. its not like im having an RPG Character Fetish or worse, im going straight.

for one, Cora females are sexy. if you go to their site, http://www.risingforce.ph/home.php , you can go and look at their females. btw, Cora is one of the 3 races you can play in RF Online.

and two, seeing a scantily-clad sexy woman carrying a two-handed beam sword going at you with 1k damage screams GIRL POWER all over.

it might be the straight guy in me thats telling me to go and play.

hehehehe~ enough with the jokes. yeah, so what if i like RF? and please, im playing as a girl for gadsakes. a game wont make me turn straight.

so ANYWAY, aside from being crazy with RF, im more or less living a pretty boring life. no relationships (ive had enough of that as of this time), and no pressure.

aside from being all alone in the house, and coming home to the incessant barkings of our dogs, there nothing much that is happening in our place...

well, for one, im looking forward to going to manila, as what my sis said. i dunno if it will push through though, but hopefully i will be able to go there. change of scenery from here in cebu, i think i do need that.

i will write more soon, now that i have more time in my hands.

see you around~

^_^

got crap?

damn.

havnt felt like this since... i dunno.

i feel like shit, i look like shit.

i am shit.

dammit.

dammit.

dammit.

i just wanna leave. i wanna go away.

philippines isnt for me anymore.

gawd.